...burn it up, like a gay parade"
I am scared. I am scared to be true to myself and just be gay. I thought that I just hated clubs, and had no interest in going to gay themed places...but after talking with a friend today, I think I'm going to take that step. I will be consumed by depression if I do not take this step, this leap of courage to be who I am. I don't want to end up like the others who go through countless months and years of torture until they finally come to terms with their sexuality and find happiness. But I am frightened. I am petrified. I always thought I wasn't afraid to be myself. I am petrified. I act like it's a fucking life sentence. I always thought it wasn't a big part of me. I guess it's not a big part of everyone, it's just who they are...I'm so scared. I need this though. I need gay friends. I love my friends, but they can't relate to me regarding anything with my sexuality. They can be supportive and offer advice, but on what experience is their advice based upon? It seems so meaningless. Come May I am going to do this. I have to.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Fly Me To The Moon...
...And Let Me Play, Among The Stars
God...I can't sleep.
My mind turns over and over...literally racing at a pace of 10000 miles per minute. Sometimes I question why I even have a blog in the first place...I wonder; "What is the point in having a blog if no one is going to read it." And I would link my blog on Facebook or some other type of networking site...well...there really aren't any, but I'd like to think that I'm doing this more for myself than anyone else. I wouldn't really like 500+ people to have access to the most intricate details of my daily existence. I guess you can make posts private...somehow.
Hm. My Cat's twitching...
I really should start sleeping. I really really should.
I think I'm a bit of an outsider...some people may call it unique, but being unique generally places you on the outside I think. Is it so weird to be bisexual/gay and not have any desire to go to a gay bar and still not be a complete introvert? Sometimes I think that I'm having too good a time with my friends down in Gansett to really care. Which brings me to my next point:
Why does ones homosexuality define them?
I just find it increasingly apparent that many gay men tend to wear their homosexuality like a robe. Sure, they may have other dreams and aspirations, but first and foremost their identity is inextricably linked to their homosexuality. It's almost as if it's its own living, tangible being. I always get a look as if my neck is hosting an extra head whenever I say I haven't been to a gay club and know that I really would not enjoy myself at one. Whomever I say this to always offers the "don't knock it till' you've tried it" defense. I just have no desire whatsoever to try it. And when I explain that I'm sure I wouldn't meet someone worth meeting at a club/gay club, they defend this sacred place of dance with a sentence akin to "well you don't go there to find Mr.Right" So If I'm not going to meet anyone worth meeting there, why am I going in the first place? I just don't find clubs to be all that fun. Parties, sure. Random adventures, sure. Long drives, sure. Going out, sure. But I would like to think someday I'd meet someone on my own, at a place that does not promote the mass consumption of alcohol. And that's half the problem with meeting gay guys in real life. You can never assume someone is gay. If you are a straight man or woman, you can simply walk up to someone and offer your number without the fear of that person not playing for the same team, ultimately making you look like an idiot. This is why they have so many gay themed events, and I'm just not so into the community that I would really be inclined to attend these events. Not to mention the fact that I haven't even ruled out the possibility that I may infact like women. And this is why I am still awake at 2:30 in the morning when I have to be up at 8:30.
What is the point in writing your thoughts if no one is to read it?
God...I can't sleep.
My mind turns over and over...literally racing at a pace of 10000 miles per minute. Sometimes I question why I even have a blog in the first place...I wonder; "What is the point in having a blog if no one is going to read it." And I would link my blog on Facebook or some other type of networking site...well...there really aren't any, but I'd like to think that I'm doing this more for myself than anyone else. I wouldn't really like 500+ people to have access to the most intricate details of my daily existence. I guess you can make posts private...somehow.
Hm. My Cat's twitching...
I really should start sleeping. I really really should.
I think I'm a bit of an outsider...some people may call it unique, but being unique generally places you on the outside I think. Is it so weird to be bisexual/gay and not have any desire to go to a gay bar and still not be a complete introvert? Sometimes I think that I'm having too good a time with my friends down in Gansett to really care. Which brings me to my next point:
Why does ones homosexuality define them?
I just find it increasingly apparent that many gay men tend to wear their homosexuality like a robe. Sure, they may have other dreams and aspirations, but first and foremost their identity is inextricably linked to their homosexuality. It's almost as if it's its own living, tangible being. I always get a look as if my neck is hosting an extra head whenever I say I haven't been to a gay club and know that I really would not enjoy myself at one. Whomever I say this to always offers the "don't knock it till' you've tried it" defense. I just have no desire whatsoever to try it. And when I explain that I'm sure I wouldn't meet someone worth meeting at a club/gay club, they defend this sacred place of dance with a sentence akin to "well you don't go there to find Mr.Right" So If I'm not going to meet anyone worth meeting there, why am I going in the first place? I just don't find clubs to be all that fun. Parties, sure. Random adventures, sure. Long drives, sure. Going out, sure. But I would like to think someday I'd meet someone on my own, at a place that does not promote the mass consumption of alcohol. And that's half the problem with meeting gay guys in real life. You can never assume someone is gay. If you are a straight man or woman, you can simply walk up to someone and offer your number without the fear of that person not playing for the same team, ultimately making you look like an idiot. This is why they have so many gay themed events, and I'm just not so into the community that I would really be inclined to attend these events. Not to mention the fact that I haven't even ruled out the possibility that I may infact like women. And this is why I am still awake at 2:30 in the morning when I have to be up at 8:30.
What is the point in writing your thoughts if no one is to read it?
Thursday, March 12, 2009
" 'cause there's beauty in the breakdown"
I'm about to lose it. I can feel myself falling to pieces. Over everything. I'm on the verge of a breakdown. Why can't I just love myself? Almost everyone I know loves me, so why can't I love myself? My friends are baffled by how down I am on myself lately, and no, it's not self pity. I just say how and what I feel. And lately I feel like I just can't do anything. And the more I think about it the stronger an urge I get to throw up. It's like I can see my world crumbling around me and the pieces aren't even worth picking up...I should probably seek "professional" help, but I've never found one who actually worked. Sometimes it's like they are trying to dig for a deeper meaning and cause that isn't really there. I'm not suicidal, not by any means, I just feel like I can't do much of anything anymore. I can't love, I can't act, I can't sing, I can't do math, I can't write, I can't fit in, I can't be happy I can't I can't I can't. I talk to two of my closest friends about all of this and they literally never thought I felt this way. They think I'm a catch, I can sing, math blows, I'm an excellent writer, and I'm the life of the party. But it's like I hear the words, but when they reach my brain they have no meaning. Just empty syllables and sound. Words without meaning. Words that can't fill the desolate emptiness that plagues my inner self and intangible mortality. I have to go take my math test...
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
I really hate myself
I hate myself.
I want to love myself
But I hate myself.
Lately, this all encompassing self doubt and hatred has enraptured me. Everything that I am to do, I just feel like I'm not good enough. I somehow landed a role in the school's production of "Moonchildren". I have two lines. I should be happy, right? But in my opinion, the audition went so terrible that he simply gave me a pity part because I was THAT bad. This put me in a slump and I just feel like I can't act very well. I used to be so uninhibited. Maybe the fear comes from the fact that I feel ugly, and that I'm not good or attractive enough physically. Or that I feel socially awkward. Or that I don't have a game plan anymore. Or that I'm probably still in love with someone who I'll never have. Or that I have no gay friends. I don't think the whole Internet dating thing helps my self esteem. I photograph badly, and I'm a little overweight. Yes I've lost a ton of weight, but I hate my body. I don't even know how I would handle a relationship right now. But it would be cool to at least have a gay friend nearby. Ha, this is West Greenwich. I tend to ramble, not that anyone reads this. I just compare myself to everyone all the time, and then I think I'm not good, and it's bad. I feel like shit about myself constantly. I don't know...I'm too tired to make comprehensive sentences right now.
I want to love myself
But I hate myself.
Lately, this all encompassing self doubt and hatred has enraptured me. Everything that I am to do, I just feel like I'm not good enough. I somehow landed a role in the school's production of "Moonchildren". I have two lines. I should be happy, right? But in my opinion, the audition went so terrible that he simply gave me a pity part because I was THAT bad. This put me in a slump and I just feel like I can't act very well. I used to be so uninhibited. Maybe the fear comes from the fact that I feel ugly, and that I'm not good or attractive enough physically. Or that I feel socially awkward. Or that I don't have a game plan anymore. Or that I'm probably still in love with someone who I'll never have. Or that I have no gay friends. I don't think the whole Internet dating thing helps my self esteem. I photograph badly, and I'm a little overweight. Yes I've lost a ton of weight, but I hate my body. I don't even know how I would handle a relationship right now. But it would be cool to at least have a gay friend nearby. Ha, this is West Greenwich. I tend to ramble, not that anyone reads this. I just compare myself to everyone all the time, and then I think I'm not good, and it's bad. I feel like shit about myself constantly. I don't know...I'm too tired to make comprehensive sentences right now.
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